For near 17 years, I have defined my status in life as a student. Being a student has fully defined who I am and where I stand in society. Whether it’s going through the grades or being a freshman, sophomore, junior and then senior in both high school and college, I have always had a set itinerary and focus on what came next. Now, I feel a bit like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I have never loved school that much. While I might have done fairly well in my studies, I never had the motivation or talent to be truly exceptional. In the end, it never really seemed that worth it to give the extra 40 percent effort for the five percent reward.
As the end of my education draws near, I have been thinking a lot about the decisions that have brought me to where I am. A few weeks ago I saw the movie The Adjustment Bureau. The film deals exclusively with the idea of fate and how the decisions we make affect the person that we become. After watching the whole thing, I couldn’t get this sinking feeling out of the pit of my stomach.
I decided to take my mind off things by going out. As I enjoyed a few drinks with good friends in the heart of hipster central, Echo Park, (a place that should be avoided at all costs, if possible) I finally realized exactly what it was that was bothering me so much. As much as I have looked forward to the real world and all the responsibility that comes with it, the idea of complete responsibility and control over my life freaks me out.
As I exit college, I know that the safety net is slowly but surely being pulled out from under me. If I fail, I will have NOBODY to blame but myself. Four years of boarding school and four years of college 3,000 miles from home have prepared me for the rigors of independent living, I just wonder how capable I am of handling full onus of complete freedom.
I have made plenty of mistakes in my young life. I have always defended my failures by reminding myself that every mistake is a lesson in how to do things better. So, if I am going to be fallible for the rest of my life, do I ever really stop being a student? Or is it that stakes of failure or success grow exponentially when you enter the working world.
Not to sound too cliché, but I am a little freaked. I wonder how much my choices have affected the person I have become. People love to define themselves by their heritage, their friends, their family, their hometown, or even their astrological sign, but at the end of the day, nothing says more about us than the choices we make and the ramifications of those choices. I am not too sure if there is a point to this post, but maybe what I am trying to say is that at the end of the day, we are most responsible for whatever situation we are in, not our parents, not our friends or even Leo the lion. One of the best quotes I have ever heard on the topic comes from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar:
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves”
Truer words have not been spoken.
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